A Douchy Double Date
by New Warrior of Fire
Summary: Sakura accepts a date with Lee, which Naruto finds unacceptable. He quickly launches a plan to shoot them down, and in doing so asks Hinata out! As a result, Hinata lives her dreams while Lee's dreams and manhood are decimated. Naruto/Hinata.


Sakura was rummaging her closet, throwing clothes in every direction. She was trying to put together an outfit for that evening, and it had to be perfect. As she was rifling her wardrobe, she heard a knock on her door.

"Come in," she said absently. The door opened and Naruto came in. He had her headband in his hand.

"Hey, Sakura, you left your headband in the . . ." he stopped to look at her messy room and different attire. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to put together an outfit for my date tonight," she said. She looked in the mirror, satisfied with her choice of clothes. She wore a pink blouse and a red miniskirt with silver high heels. Sakura walked over to her vanity and started trying on different bracelets.

Naruto looked surprised. "A date? With who?"

"Lee." She finally settled on a silver tennis bracelet and started doing her makeup.

"Bushy Brow?" he asked. "What made you finally give in?"

She said, "It was his big puppy eyes. I just couldn't say no."

"You've said no before! Puppy eyes," he shook his head. "More like saucers. Come on, what are you trying to get from him?"

She turned around to glare at him. "It's not like that. I actually want to go on a date with him." Sakura went back to doing her makeup. "By the way, I want to know, how do you feel about that?"

"What? I don't care." Naruto muttered. Inside, he was screaming _"What were you thinking?!! Going on a date with that douche bag!" _

"Really," she said skeptically. "Describe Lee in one word."

Without hesitation, Naruto said "Douche bag."

Narrowing her eyes at Naruto, Sakura said, "First of all, that's two words. And second, the only reason I ask is because you and I are teammates, and if I got in a serious relationship with Lee, me and him would hang out more. And I don't want you to be jealous."

"Jealous?" Naruto asked incredulously. "That's crap! You should date whoever you want."

Sakura smiled. "Thank you, Naruto. I'm glad you feel that way." And with that, she grabbed her clutch and went out the door.

Naruto waved as she walked off, then ran out as soon as she was out of sight.

"I've got to break those two up fast," he said to himself. Just then, he saw Hinata walking past. By the looks of it, she had just finished training and was headed for the showers. That gave him an idea.

"Hey, Hinata!" he called, running toward her. Hinata turned to look at who was calling, and blushed lightly when she saw that it was him.

"Naruto," she said breathlessly. "What is it?"

"You want to get ramen with me at that new fancy ramen joint tonight?" he blurted out. Hinata blushed even harder.

"I . . . I'd love to," she stammered.

He grinned spastically. "Great! I'll see you at eight-thirty." And with that, Naruto ran off. Now all he had to do was talk to Sakura and make it a double date. And by the time he got through with their date, Sakura would never want to hear Lee's name again. It was the perfect plan.

***

It was eight-thirty, and Naruto was at the restaurant, waiting for everyone else to show up. He was dressed in a white dress shirt and black slacks. He was anxious for everything to be a disaster, at least from Lee's end. The very thought of having to spend more then five minutes a day with that arrogant little weenie was enough to make him sick.

Suddenly, he heard a voice from behind him that broke into his thoughts. "Naruto?"

He turned to see who it was. It was Hinata, looking more beautiful than he'd ever seen her. Instead of her usual snow jacket, she was wearing a navy blue halter dress with black ballet flats. Her lips were a bit pinker than usual, and her eyes were rimmed with a thin line of blue. She smiled nervously. "How do I look?"

"Wow, Hinata," he said. "You look great."

She blushed harder than ever.

Suddenly, he heard a douchy voice from behind him. "How do I look, Naruto?"

It was Lee, who was wearing an obscenely tight white shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. Worse was his makeup; black eyeliner and peach blush. He looked like a very ugly girl.

Naruto narrowed his eyes. "I'm gonna shut up and spare your feelings," he said.

Then Sakura showed up. "How do I look?" She looked just as stupid as when she'd left earlier.

Finally Naruto said, "I'm gonna change the subject now."

A few minutes later, the four ninja were seated and had just gotten their food. There was an awkward silence. Naruto started shoveling his ramen into his mouth.

Sakura, in a desperate attempt to make conversation, asked "So . . . what did you guys think of the Trojan war?"

Lee said, "I loved the Trojan war. It is too bad that Troy lost, because Paris was such a cool guy. He was almost as cool as Gai-sensei."

Furious, Naruto suddenly spat his mouthful of ramen all over Lee. "What?!" he screamed. "Paris was a douche bag! He got all his people killed so he could get a date with some witchy girl!"

Lee and Sakura were speechless. Naruto, realizing he'd just totally spazzed out, said "Uh . . . I mean, I liked the other guy better."

"I agree," Hinata said. "The other guy was my favorite."

"Oh, please," Lee told her, wiping the noodles from his shirt. "You are only saying that because you like Naruto."

Hinata blushed. "That's not true," she said in a small voice. "The other guy _is_ my favorite."

"Yeah, leave Hinata alone." Naruto said. "At least she's not some arrogant, round-eyed, bushy-browed jerk!"

This time, everyone stopped to stare at Naruto. Naruto realized he needed to save this one, and fast.

"Like . . . Bert from Sesame Street. I really hate that guy."

Everyone agreed with Naruto. "You got that right," Sakura said.

Lee said, "I always liked Ernie better."

"Yeah, you would," Naruto muttered. He shoveled some more noodles into his mouth. Hinata was gazing down at her food, smiling to herself. She was happy to have someone stick up for her, especially Naruto.

Naruto looked up to glare disgustedly at Lee, in all his douchy wonder. What he saw was sickening. Lee was putting his arm around Sakura! And not only was Sakura letting him, she seemed to like it! She leaned against his scrawny body and sighed contentedly.

_Oh no you don't,_ Naruto thought. He did a series of rapid finger-weaves under the table. _Shadow Clone Juutsu!_ The Shadow Clone appeared under the table. It worked its way around until it was behind Lee, and then slapped him hard on the back of the head.

"Ow!" Lee cried, jerking his hand away. The Shadow Clone disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"What's wrong?" Sakura asked, mystified.

"It is nothing," he lied. "Just a training injury." He went back to eating his food like the good little suck-up he was.

Sakura seemed to accept that. She went back to her food as well. Naruto couldn't help but notice that she was still smiling flirtatiously at Lee.

_This is crap,_ he thought. _She's supposed to hate him! _ Suddenly, Naruto felt a pressure in his bowel. He realized that he needed to fart, but he couldn't. He was on a date. That gave him an idea. It was gross, but . . .

_Desperate times call for desperate measures,_ he thought. Summoning all the strength and available chakra he had, he farted a loud, stinky fart that resounded throughout the whole restaurant and caused the table to shake. As soon as he did, all conversation in the restaurant stopped. Everyone stared at their table. Sakura looked horrified, and Hinata looked like she was trying not to giggle.

"Bushy Brow!" Naruto shouted. "That's disgusting! We're on a date!"

"But . . . but . . ." Lee sputtered. He couldn't even say anything. He looked absolutely scandalized.

Sakura stood up abruptly. "I'm going to the little girl's room. Just until your gas settles down." She hurried away.

"I'll go with you," Hinata said. She was still suppressing laughter. "I'll be right back, Naruto." And with that, she followed Sakura.

"It was not me," Lee said weakly. But by then it was too late. He glared at Naruto, who had gone back to rapturously eating his ramen. Several minutes went by like that; Lee gazing scornfully at Naruto, who didn't even notice. Finally, Naruto looked up to see the raging douche bag staring him down.

"What?" Naruto asked.

Lee scowled even harder. "You and I both know that it was not me who farted, Naruto."

"Yeah," Naruto said flippantly. "But Sakura doesn't know," He grinned broadly.

Lee was about to kick the crap out of Naruto when Sakura and Hinata came back. They sat back down next to their respective dates.

"Hey, Hinata, you've got to try this ramen." Naruto said. He fed her a bite of it off of his chopsticks.

Hinata blushed. "That's . . . really nice," she said. As she ate it, a drop of the sauce ran down her chin. She quickly reached for her napkin.

"Here, let me," Naruto said. He gently wiped her chin. She smiled, then blushed and looked away.

Naruto felt his cheeks redden a bit, too. He had never noticed how beautiful she was.

Then he heard Lee's obnoxious voice. _Way to kill the moment, _he thought.

Lee was saying, "Sakura, about before . . . it was not me who farted."

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "That's not very believable, Lee. I heard you."

"Believe it!" Lee exclaimed. Naruto gave him a hard kick in the shin, which shut him up fast.

"That's my catch phrase, douche bag." Naruto hissed at him.

Lee glared at him, then turned to Sakura again. "Sakura, your eyes are like two emeralds shimmering in the moonlight of Konoha. They shine even more brightly than the Tokyo lights."

Sakura giggled. "Oh, Lee. Aren't you the sweet one." She kissed him on the cheek. Lee just about passed out with ecstasy. He shot a look at Naruto that said, "In your face."

Naruto was deeply alarmed. _Oh no,_ he thought. _She actually likes this douche bag! What if I can't break up this relationship? What if they get married? WHAT IF SAKURA MAKES ME WATCH THEIR DOUCHY KIDS?!!_

With another series of finger-weaves under the table, Naruto summoned his Shadow Clone once more. This time, the Shadow Clone formed a tiny, marble-sized ball of Rasengan in Naruto's hand. The Shadow Clone disappeared, and Naruto aimed the Rasengan at Lee's crotch.

The sounds that followed were that of utter torture; of sick suffering. Lee stood up and screamed for all he was worth, and once again all the patrons in the restaurant turned to stare. He collapsed into his seat, panting in agony.

"What's wrong?" Sakura asked.

Lee was about to tell her exactly what had just happened, but Naruto shot him a look that said, "You tell her and I'll hit you again, douche bag."

Lee just shook his head. "It was nothing," he lied. "I just decided to stand up and scream bloody murder for no reason."

Sakura stared at him, completely mystified. After that, the mood pretty much died. There was nothing left to say. For a few minutes, they just sat in awkward silence, until Sakura finally just stood up and said, "Well, I had a great time." There was a bitter edge in her voice. She slapped a few bills down on the table and stormed out.

"Sakura, wait!" Lee called after her. But it was useless. He knew there was nothing he could do. He slumped in his seat, defeated.

Naruto stood up as well. "I should probably go check on her," he said to Hinata apologetically.

"Go ahead," she said. "She's your teammate, after all."

He smiled at her. "Okay. I'll see around." And with that, he hurried off.

He quickly caught up to Sakura. "Hey, Sakura!" he shouted after her. She slowed down, and he fell in stride with her. "Are you okay?"

Sighing, she turned to him. "I just want to you to tell me one thing. Why did you go through all that just to mess up my date?! Whatever happened to 'you can date whoever you want'?"

"I wasn't trying to mess up _your_ date, Sakura." He told her. "I was trying to mess up Bushy Brow. It's just . . . he makes me sick. I don't wanna have to spend time with him. And if you were in a serious relationship with him, that's what I'd be relegated to." He hung his head. "I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter," she said. "I failed anyway."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well . . ." she trailed off. "I sort of . . . lied to you before. I wasn't just dating Lee because I wanted to."

"I knew it!" he yelled. "You WERE trying to get something from him! What was it?"

She sighed again. "You see . . . Ino kept beating me in every challenge we had this week. I couldn't take it anymore. She was being so smug and so insufferable all the time. I just had to have something I could rub in her face. So today I overheard that she was going to the new ramen place with her team. I figured if I had a really fancy date right in front of her, it would take her down a notch." She looked at the ground. "Lee was the only one who would say yes."

"But . . . I didn't see them there." Naruto said.

She looked back up at him. "I don't know what happened. They never came. And by then, the date had gone so badly that I just got sick of it all. Truth is, I'm glad Ino didn't see that. She'd never let me hear the end of it."

Naruto snorted. "Well that's what you get for using people! That's wrong, Sakura. Even if it is a slimy little douche bag like Lee."

Sakura didn't say anything. After a few minutes, she just walked away.

Naruto stared after her, shaking his head. Maybe he had been wrong. By the looks of it, Lee and Sakura deserved each other.

Then he heard someone say his name. "Naruto?" It was Hinata.

He turned to face her. "Oh, hi!" he said. She was holding a cup of chocolate pudding with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles. "Where did you get that?"

"Lee ordered it," she explained. "Before Sakura ran out. But he left not long after she did, and it was already paid for, so . . ." She smiled at him. "I thought you could have it."

"Okay!" he said. He was always up for some pudding. She handed him the cup. "Thanks, Hinata."

Hinata smiled, then said, "Naruto, I just wanted to say . . . well, I had a really great time tonight. And I was thinking . . . would you like to do this again sometime? Like maybe, Friday night?" She looked to him expectantly, blushing.

"Hinata," Naruto said. "I would do this every night if I could. It's a date!"

Hinata blushed even harder. Naruto went on.

"And when we do, it's gonna be better that it was tonight. That's a promise."

"I'll see you then," she said. "Good night, Naruto." Hinata started to walk off.

"Wait," Naruto took hold of her wrist, stopping her. He pulled her in close and kissed her, embracing her gently. When they broke apart, Hinata stared at him in amazement. He stroked her cheek and said, "I'll be looking forward to it."

The End.


End file.
